Just ten years to the day after its introduction, mild-mannered consumer Larry Latener condemned Macintosh and put the whole damn product line to death. Throughout its illustrious decade of crowning achievement, the Macintosh line had suckered Larry into purchasing no less than 9 CPUs. From the first Mac 128k, which could barely hold a thought, to his latest Powerbook 375FX, which held the entire Library of Congress on a single chip the size of a pin head, they had all been too slow and methodical for the lifestyle of Larry Latener. Even though he was maxed out on RAM, hard drive space, and upgraded his inits twice daily, Larry knew that he was still behind technology. The countless hours reading MacUser, MacWeek, MacMoment, and Volume 57 of Inside Macintosh told him so.

  And so Larry marches on, looking only forward, not where he is. Can't the whiz-bang toys of today be enough for him? Isn't it amazing that what NASA engineers couldn't do last year, Larry does today while riding the subway and listening to his Walkman. Enough must be enough! When will we "Larry Latener's" be satisfied? I for one am satisfied right now, at this very moment, precisely. Finally, my Macintosh does exactly what I need it to do.

  To prove my point, I am writing this article on my Powerbook 170 while I speed along a train track at 70mph. I am typing into a word processor that is ALWAYS waiting for me, not the other way around. It's clean, logical graphic display lets me view with reasonable accuracy exactly how my output will look. The Powerbook's backlit active-matrix screen allows me to see my typing in glorious black-and-white (isn't that what newspapers used to look like?). And, it lets me work from the brightest light to the pitchest of black. Which, as it turns out, is just what I need, since it's night and none of the overhead lights on this train seem to be working.

  What else could I ask for? I am writing a perfectly good article in a place Agatha Christie would be proud of! Now before you mention that I could just as well have brought a pad of paper and a pen on my Orient Express, let me mention one more thing. I did, of course, bring along a few extra MacGoodies.

  For instance, as I write this, I don a pair of Walkman headsets. Much like Larry, I am listening to music as I use my Mac. But, one only needs to follow the cord to see that I am not listening to boring FM radio. No, I am listening to my own programming in full Macintosh stereo. Using a program called Sound-Trecker, I am tapping my toes to the latest pop hits, digitized for my listening pleasure, while I word process. I mean, come on, Larry, isn't that worth just a bit more than a yawn?

  OK, not enough for you Mr. Latener? Well, let me impress you with numbers...loads and loads of numbers. I run my Powerbook 170 at 25 megahertz with System 7.0.1 which has been upgraded by System 7 Tune-Up version 1.1.1. I have 8 megabytes of RAM running at 80 nanoseconds and an 80 megabyte hard drive that seeks at 19 milliseconds. In addition, I have 14 inits and 15 cdevs which balloon my operating system memory heap to 2.6 megs at startup. What do all those numbers mean, Larry? I'll tell you what all those impressive numbers mean. Nothing, absolutely nothing! The content of this article would be exactly the same if I was running System 4.1 and typing into MacWrite 4.5! All that those digits mean is that I spent entirely too much money and time chasing after the same unattainable machine Larry Latener is striving to own. The real question is why...why do I do it?

  Why? Because...in the beginning there were feet...then horses, bicycles, trains, cars, planes, rockets, and finally MTV. No matter how fast we traveled, we wanted transportation to get us there even faster. By the way, we can stop wanting now because MTV is the closest mankind will ever get to light speed. Anyway, at some point I decided that one must separate the travel from the vacation. Remember, what's important here is arriving, not how you arrived. And so, I transplant that idea to Macintosh computing.

  With this in mind, let's consider the mode of transportation I am using. I'm on a train to visit a friend. I wanted to get from point A to point B, so I chose an appropriate means to reach my destination. In this instance, taking accessability, cost and speed into account, I chose a train. Sure, a plane, developed years after locomotion, would have been faster, but considering the extra cost and effort involved in getting to an airplane, my train excursion was the logical choice. Much in the same way, I have chosen my Macintosh. Sure, a color Macintosh would be nice, but it just doesn't make sense for a writer; thus, I am sorry to say Larry, I languish endlessly in a hueless world. Let me rephrase that, the logical side of me is not sorry at all...it's that silly, competitive "one-up the Jones'" side of me that is. I just don't need color. It's a flashy extra. Much like taking a plane to visit a friend who lives two blocks from a train station, color Macs for black-and-white tasks are hogwash.

  Did you notice? Did you notice the difference between the last paragraph and this one? Sure you didn't! Nevertheless, during the time it took you to finish reading the word 'hogwash' and begin reading 'Did' this article went through an astounding transformation. It traveled back in time five years. Amazing, isn't it?

  You see, I'm off the train now. I reached point B hours ago. If you'll remember, I'm visiting a friend of mine. She owns a Macintosh too. Her trusty old Macintosh Plus does run System 4.1 (the last operating system to fit on a 400k disk!) and MacWrite 4.5, and, after showing her my article in progress, in order to prove a point, I decided to write this portion of it on her machine. So, after converting this file to MacWrite 4.5 format using the backwards compatibility feature built into my current word processor and saving it carefully on an 800k disk, I was able to work the same article on a machine that was five years behind the times and nearly $3500 cheaper.

  OK, so what does that prove? It proves several things. The most important of which is that in this instance spending an extra $3500 and performing countless hours of software upgrading gets you nowhere. Despite the faster processing speed, bigger hard drive, and more impressive 'numbers', my productivity is exactly the same. In fact, with my Powerbook 170 it's actually lower; because, if you'll remember I also wasted time programming my own digitized radio station. And, although it's rather cool to hear Vanilla Ice from a 45k file, it just isn't the right flavor when it comes to getting down to business. It also proves that I have far too much personal time to waste, but that's another article entirely.

  Now...I pose questions to all you "Larry Lateners." Could it be possible that the machine you have is overkill? Is it really necessary to be able to auto-dial 781 of your closest friends at the click of just 43 buttons? Can you live without categorized, 3-D pie charts of what money you spent last month? Isn't it just a bit silly that you know the position of the stars and the atomic weights of all the elements without leaving your 'apple menu'? Do you really sleep better at night knowing that all your Microsoft Word documents are sorted not only by name, but also by 256 shades of green?

  How long will you stand for greedy software and hardware companies coaxing you out of your shirt? We 'Larry Latener' Macintosh users buy products simply because they're the '*****est' product out there. It is not necessary to have the ability to play QuickTime movies within a word processing document, nor is it chic. Most programs we have are YATOTEM (yawn-at-them-once-then-erase-'em) anyway. If you don't see this joke coming down the pike, too late....here it is. Ya tote 'em for nothing!

  Absurdity is the key word here. I have been a personal computer user for nearly 17 years now. At first, I built them from kits, soldering each 16k RAM board into place...and life was good. Next, I learned to talk to them in 7 programming languages...and status was quo. Still further down the road, I played with them 'til the wee hours of the morning and I lost all my friends. And, finally I learned what to do with one. Use it. That's all! Computers should be used to simplify life. When they are advanced enough to make your life easy, stop! It is not necessary to upgrade constantly. More is not always better. Who cares if you have the Macintosh Alarm Clock, version 7.0.1.2 (which fixes the bug in 7.0.1.1 that made the clock one second slow if you were using your Mac with AC power on Thursdays during lunar eclipses)! It's just not worth it. There is a point where being current is just lunacy. It's creates more work than doing the work at hand. Your computer becomes the work, and then, still further, the excuse for not doing the work. Just what did you buy that $3500 paperweight for?

  And now for my big finale...I am back on the train again. Chugging along at 70mph, I am elated that I am not the one driving, or rushing, or checking bags, or gassing up. I am on the right mode of transportation. So too, am I, happy about using the proper computer. With my trusty new, yet obsolete, PowerBook 170, I have the ability to do all my mundane tasks with efficient speed and tact. I can do them virtually anywhere, which increases my productivity and, as far as I'm concerned, the end product is better on my Mac than doing it the old fashioned way.

  Therefore, I refuse to bend. I will not stray....with my current applications, I will stay. They are familiar like a friend, comforting like a lover...with them in a pinch, my butt will they cover. For word processing, you'll agree, no more color should there be. Black and white is enough, even when the writing gets tough. Don't get me wrong...pictures are nice, graphs even finer...but keep them away, along with outliners. "Keep it simple," is the Macintosh plea. Have as much as you like, but make it work naturally. When you must Option-Shift-Command double-click, it's time to move on. Before we all get sick, and join the IBM throng.

  So there you have it. You can all turn the page. Past the bestest and brightest...and the wars that they wage. You know better. Ads are just that. It's vaporware...no more...so sit back and relax. 'Cause soon enough, the real new stuff will be here. And for thousands more and you'll rush out to buy them from fear.

  Goodbye Larry Latener...and to your 60-megahertz Mac II-753. From your competitive hide must I flee. No longer will I compete with you...when I have enough trouble deciding how to compete with me. It's off to my little, trusty old Mac and System 7.3!